Vulnerable moment: accepting to receive
This post was totally random as it was NOT the intended topic for the week, yet this has been lingering since Christmas. Let me preface by saying...for the last year leading up to my 40th, I've had reflecting instances from full circle moments to being smacked with childhood traumas that re-surface by way of my actions or reactions. Because these bruise's have been such a way of life for so long, it never occurred to me they'd affect loved ones and how they handle me in the present.
If don't worry bout it, I'll get it myself was a person, it would surely be me! I am a gift giver. I loooove curating gifts and it makes me feel good when they receive them. I've never been one for fan fare when it comes to celebrating me during holidays. Contrary to what u perceive me to be-I'm not one press for the spotlight n quite shy **shocker** With that being said...I get what I want myself. If I see something while out n about, I don't wait to add it for a Xmas or Bday list, I just grab it whether on sight or eventually. I don't ask anyone for anything, it's never been my thang! When someone surprises me with a gift, I am always open to receiving my blessings. So imagine my surprise when....I was told I am hard to shop and surprise becuz I get everything myself n it doesn't allow the person to treat me and express their love with giving me gifts. I really didn't think anything of it but as the message marinated it hit me: I do not know how to ACCEPT N RECEIVE! Being independent for so long has crippled me with allowing others to love on me in that way of showering me with gifts. Fun Fact: I've never been a "daddy's girl" n I love my dad but our relationship is quite neutral to say the least. If in life I'd be in a bind, he would NEVER be the first person I'd call becuz I don't want help to come with attachments (i.e. tossed in my face later) and I don't want to receive gifts with feelings of obligations (i.e. return the favor).
The "strong friend" is me and I will always say "I'm ok", it's only those that know me on an intimate level to know different n act accordingly. The turning point was realizing on Xmas "Wow, he's right" as I held the mirror to my face n unraveled to find the why while excitingly receiving my #applewatch :) Since then I've been open to ACCEPT N RECEIVE without guilt or hesitation. For my birthday, my bestie gifted me with a spa day and I allowed everyone else who gift'd me, love on me. It was VERY hard for me. The tangible isn't important yet the value of the act very much is n THAT is what I'm learning to accept. I am grateful n thankful for them n yet they don't even realize the lessons they've taught me. Each day I wake up is a day to better myself. I am untangling years of 'no' to trade with 'yes' so bear with me.
Thanx for coming to my Ted Tawk!