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  • Writer's picturekisha no e

Vulnerable moment: before the rainbow

A vulnerable moment that will replay every year for me around this time is being reminded of Pregnancy and Loss Awareness month. I literally sat on updating my original post: Shyt Nobody Talks About becuz it takes me back to recalling the moment. I am not alone yet nobody openly talks about it. We experience dealing with miscarriages in silence n I don't know if it's from embarrassment, shame or the emotions of loss in itself we don't share. It wasn't until Chrissy Teigen revealed her loss after giving birth where I paused n vastly went back to Oct 2017. For those new here, I'll catch u up to speed really quick; I'm a surrogate yet I'm MOM (feel free to catch up on the story here). Before my Lil Toot, we were preggers a year prior and while on a normal check up, I learned I dilated early (20 wks) and although I felt no contractions or indications of complications, I had to get an emergency cerclage n placed on bedrest (22 wks). Every week was a milestone at this point but then my water broke (24 wks) and I delivered a one pound baby boy. A baby I didn't want to see becuz I didn't want that to be the last image embedded in my head. A baby I passed on holding becuz I wasn't sure I'd be strong enuff to let go of. We were already informed of the odds after the emergency cerclage so I was prepared for the 50/50 but in the back of my mind-i just knew! I privately prepared myself while trying to squeeze in optimism for my boys. It was tough.

A few months after I revealed our loss, I posted a follow up on coping with miscarriages -read here-> divine timing isn't celebrated enuff yet it's to be acknowledged becuz it's what helped me go for my last hoorah. I have no regrets for past indiscretions and how I abused my body. I am openly pro-choice n not ashamed to say I've exercised those rights on numerous occasions. After losing our baby, my spiritual being transformed to where I became a new me. I prepared my body and cleansed my soul to ascend with greater powers. I really felt like through suffering from such a tragedy, it flourished a better me becuz it taught me mindfulness n trusting that when u take that leap of faith-God got chew!! Make no mistake, manifestation is real but putting in the work behind it is necessary. I have been blessed to see confirmation of God's work in our son we made out of love.

You can't tell me God ain't real. I value myself different and I vibrate on a level where one can only hope to get to reach through being kept by higher powers. I have a testimony I'll never suppress becuz it's apart of my story. I overcame the anxiety of carrying Toot with tunnel vision-becuz trust I felt like I was tip toeing for a full 38 wks. I also overcame anxiety with paying attention to chats with the universe. There were butterflies that landed on my baby bump, dragon flies hovered around me, a hummingbird that could've literally poked my nose being so close to my face. With each occurrence with nature grew a sense of calmness n sigh of relief. Although my boys were holding their breaths, I knew this last hoorah was different. I am forever grateful for the success of our story-the good and the bad. My heart is full as a mom of TWO. Both my sons wake up smiling, Mason still laughs in his sleep lol n I can contribute that to wellness n worry-free pregnancies. I have such an empathy for women who've suffered from miscarriages. You never know what we as women silently struggle with becuz we are naturally strong n resilient. I am the opposite when my most emotional states happen around full moons n I allow myself to breakdown n feel then I'll meditate n enjoy stillness. For those with similar stories like mine, try to believe in divine timing. We want to be in control of our lives so bad n think that what we plan is concrete but when u let go of that concept n trust in his plan you will unlock a level to unimaginable heights u didn't think of or see coming. All I know iz...I am open to receiving my blessings!

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