Speechless GrieF of My Mom
As much as I wanted to avoid this, I couldn't ignore the random thought n energy to do such a post. I couldn't do a Mother's Day themed week without acknowledging how bitter sweet this holiday is for those who ARE moms yet lost their own. Mourning is personal n the duration of time it takes is on how u process it. As an outward expression u cry, celebrate life through memorials or find support groups. Grieving is a tad different. It's more emotional n as my mama been gone for over half my life now, I've done more mourning than grieving.
My grief tends to come in random waves, holiday's are rough for me n during a time where I should be more accepting of being celebrated as a Mom, I force myself to not hide n put on a smiling face for my kids. I don't ignore the need to feel n recognize the need to be to myself n go mute when I have unexpected sadness or feel overwhelmed by emotions. But let me share how suffering from a lost one is inevitable n how I continue to get confirmations; God is so real....
So yall know I had an AMAZING time at the JODECI concert this past what...Feb! What I haven't shared (until now) is an encounter that left me shooketh n basically crying after a brief encounter with a stranger. Ok so BOOM...after the concert at MGM, I'm in the concession line (which I almost skipped on) n this lady is in front of me. She turns around n notices my shirt. We chuckle n chat on how we've had a great time n the nostalgia of it all then she jokes on how I'm too young to have been outside in their heydays (so true) then says "I bet yo mama knows tho...call n ask her how much fun it was back in those days". My laugh quiets down to a smirk n she still in joke mode repeating to call her. I shake my head no w/a smile n then she turns back around. Not even 60 seconds later, she turns back to me n says...Ur mom did a great job with u n I'm so sorry, I got the feeling ur not able to call ur mom n for that I apologize. Now we both standing in line as she consoles me cuz we both in tears, lol. We had more of an emotional convo but I'll keep that close to my heart.
Those moments remind me, there are certain beings that will be sent to u to connect to the spirit world to communicate. There was such a presence felt from hugging her after a random encounter that's unexplainable. It was such a profound experience n I knew it was real. I honestly have no rituals nor visit my mom's grave (unless accompanying my brother n stepdad) becuz I always feel her in some way or form during grieving times.
I have dreams of my mama when my real life has uncertainty or when I go dark n not wanna be bothered there's a sign she's with me. The validations of synchronicities help me cope with grieving. When I was walking on eggshells pregnant wit Toot, there would be butterflies that would follow me. One time I had one gently land on my leg n flutter a few times before flying off. I've had a hummingbird get close to my face to where I was too paralyzed to swat it away. I've been on walks to where there's not nere wind around n grass is moving. This has taught me to be present in life n intentional with not overly looking for my mama to pop up becuz trust me, I be mad to wake up when she's in my dreams. If I'm lookin to feel her, I'll watch First Wives Club-one of her favorite movies or learn more about her from those left behind to tell me infamous Nee-Nee stories. My grandma has tons of them!
For those of yall who silently grieve or mourn out loud, I know u TRULY understand where I'm coming from. I am emotional enuff after getting thru this post so I'll end it here <3