03 March 2001
This year turning 41 was silently different for me, I had a jolt of reality recognizing this year I would pretty much surpass the age of my mom when she died. I can't imagine what life would look like for my kids if I were to die today. Mason is around the same age as my brother when we lost our mom and it took a toll on his teen years. Fast forward to 21 years today...my generation of friends are starting to experience the loss of a parent and grieving in a way I had to half my life ago. As inevitable as death is nobody likes to talk about and address the what if's which really should be the "when"as we age. I've gained a better understanding of death since I've had to handle it at its highest level n that's the emotional part where I feel for my friends the most. While my parents n grandma left are in good health, I'm not oblivious to believe they will live another 60+ years and the life cycle continues to tick.
My dad reminds me he's on the "back nine" of life and as he's recently retired, he is looking forward to enjoying the rest of life cuz the stats of a black man's life expectancy isn't as long as women (lol which he also reminds me). My grandma is barely 80 n as a breast cancer survivor, I make it my business to spend time with her as much as possible. Even if I go over after work to sit n chat for an hour or 2 and listen to her ramble on how we've lived around DC. I love listening to the memories of my mom, even if they are repeats. I can't believe leaving earth at this age. I still feel young n vibrant with more marks to leave on earth n look forward to watching my kids grow up. The grieving n coping is a never ending journey. You never get over it and they say time heals the wounds...it don't. U just have to get in a space to recognize life still goes on and the time doesn't stop.
Since my mom died, I have dreams about her n don't realize its my mom til after the fact becuz she's not there AS my mom. Towards the end of my dreams when my real conscious n brain click to tell me its my mom...the dream is over n I wake up fighting to go back to sleep. So much so I dont even open my eyes. I linger fully woke n feeling sad becuz I don't know when the next time I'll have a dream of my mother. I miss her as much today as I did when she died so these dreams bring solace n come right on time. It's not like we have a weekly or monthly date to "meetup" n I could prolly count on one hand how often I have these dreams in a year.
I would be lying if I didn't say I would be jealous of those who still have their moms and I feel bad for my brother at times becuz I have longer memories of our mom given we are 5 yrs apart. Yes, I felt robbed becuz I just didn't think it was fair that I wouldn't grow up with my mom n watch how she'd be as a grandma n get all the motherly advice she'd give. What has brought me comfort is knowing that in her sickest of moments, she'd tell me I would be in good hands becuz I would be left with my stepmom. There was a sense of relief during the convo becuz she assured me she had been preparing me n knew I'd continue my Big Sis role to take care of my brother-which I definitely did lol. Since her passing I've been blessed with fairy godmothers who have taken me under their wings n been great support systems in guiding me through life. I move with a sense of WWAD (what would Annette do) n feel her presence near whenever I wanna react in a manner she wouldn't approve of.
It's definitely painful knowing she should be here. I even roll my eyes at her for not being here but I know the essence of my mama lives within me and I am extremely proud of the woman I am today when I look in the mirror. She taught me sophistication n walking in confidence n that's a power nobody can take from me. I can never fully emulate her greatness but I'm definitely a soft echo of the legacy she's left behind within me. This is why I pride myself in having a good reputation. Anyone who my mom has come across has nothing but nice things to say n I'd like to think I leave a pretty good impression amongst strangers.
I've mastered some emotional awareness where I can feel a shut down moment n take off work or do away with the world n enjoy a day of nothing. I also self-soothe with relaxing in bubble baths. So for those who have lost a parent and/or close relatives n friends; I get it. I've been there. I understand. This shyt is NOT easy, it'll never be easy n it's ok to sit in those pockets of grief that randomly hit chew. Until the reunion actually happens, just know mini meet ups will occur in ur dreams!
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